Everything Wrong With Guardians Of The Galaxy

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    *This video is a re-upload. Original release date: 12/23/14*

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    You loved it, everyone loved it, it's one of the highest-grossing films of 2014... but, like all films, Guardians of the Galaxy still has some sins. Sit back, put in your favorite 70's tune, and groove to the sins of an admittedly-rather-groovy film.


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    just in case you confused it with something vaguer like kitchen 20th century given Sony's branding dominance in the mobile cassette player wars this is a product placement for Sony even if it isn't which is even more interesting given Marvell and Sony's fascinating love-hate relationship over a certain spider-man comic book heroes parents are dead or dying cliche no quill runs from terms of endearment into an American Werewolf in London this logo gets longer and longer every fucking time I see it also Marvel logo waits until three and a half minutes pass so that anyone waiting in line for popcorn could still see its brilliance yep nothing important happened to that alien kidnapped child for the next 26 years hologram home video Time Machine artifact locator these credits for john c reilly and Glenn Close are on screen exactly as long as both actors are after he was shot in space 26 years ago he still found a RadioShack in space that sells double-a batteries either that or the batteries have been lasting for 26 years which is simply also this tape isn't worn out from 26 years of overuse also even if he found a power supply it's not like Walkmans were known for working properly over great periods of time I had three myself before I was in high school Quinlan's addictive things we can't play the song but whoever got credit for putting the soundtrack together clearly has a Bachelor of Arts from the University of watching tons of Tarantino movies clue is singing the song in real time but you cut from the Space rat mic shot to several shots of him dancing with nothing whatsoever in his hands you can't just cut back to the rat microphone thing like he still has it previous owner decided to leave this valuable item that literally could have been pocketed before abandoning the planet thunder and lightning indicates something ominous is coming do you know voters how did you show up to get it right when he did this is fucking space right Korath shoots a hole in the wall it just happens to be the direct escape route to quill ship or I just took out a huge stone wall with his gun but they still need to build this anti-aircraft thing for some reason I'm gonna be totally honest with you I forgot you're here how long were you dancing on the surface to that one song you must have forgotten her days before you even landed here right so he managed to find the parts to make this but couldn't get back to earth because I'm thinking earth is maybe the only place he could have gotten these parts doctor who is that man it's like the blue trick from Avatar had sex with a whore and the green chick from Star Trek and had a kid I was such an awesome threesome produced a child is material I just want to see the sex tape the scene does not contain that sex tape drone astonished I would retrieve the old for him only then will he destroy his end or for me if Thanos is as powerful as this movie suggests why does he need to make deals with less powerful people to retrieve important orbs for him why not just get the orb yourself and save the murder-for-hire trouble this movie could easily have been called getting to know a bunch of new planets and rocket like marble commands us to look at a Stan Lee cameo how can easy is this dude defined she doesn't appear to have had any trouble whatsoever rocket just got an iPad alert to find him his space a lot smaller than I thought it was or what where's blue merle why can't he find evil easily especially since it seems he was supposed to be here for the orb sale anyway why didn't he book it here when he found out quill it ditched it hey I'm going something for every situation in that jacket destiny why didn't he just do this before gang of misfit characters introduced via police line up cliche we interrupt this rollicking Space action comedy to make you think you're watching a Riddick movie for a minute Vin Diesel reprises his Iron Giant role for group man that must have been great sitting around all day doing virtually nothing growling into a microphone for a couple of hours that's your job it's like those assholes from cinemasins hey let's let these prisoners we picked up together stay in a holding cell together what do you say that their son sounds like good prison into me ha ha but Gamora clearly went into a personal bunk cell thing to avoid being killed so why are all these fuckers out in a prisoner pile why does she get a special cell that no one else gets why the hell disc will care if gamora's being led to her death it's not like they've had time to get to know each other and before that there was all that fighting over an orb so there's not much in the way of I'll save you from a prison shanking kind of relationship here so how'd they get inside that closed personal cell the movie made a big deal about the dragger here just kill her already good god how many people get saved by this only I can kill this person bullshit super aliens with age old beef pause to listen to random upstart human just because he starts talking right because that of all gestures is unique to earth somehow damn you've got some good ass sources far as I can tell there are a handful of people to know that and one of them is not only a spy for you but managed to get word from a supermax prison to you about it return to me again I did bathe the starways this is a non threat since Thanos is the one who called Ronan to this meeting in the first place before the orb could even be located not like he's been jacking off well maybe yes but the point is this whole scene seems like it was created just so you could see that oh and remember those great times you had watching the end credits of the Avengers he could have made this threat via hologram right I'm laughing while I'm sinning but damn apparently this giant tree can just tear off this box of the most heavily guarded part of the prison without being seen badass robot guards make you wonder why the prison was using human guards to walk these people through the halls earlier at all in other words the floor I realize trees can be dense but this bullshit right here is some bolt this cool slow-motion shot of the gun should also serve as an excellent reminder to how poor the aim of the robot prison guards must be like stormtroopers are making fun of you guys damn this space racoon has better hands than Jerry Rice why not have all of them shoot at the same time are we really not past the warning stage here this entire strategy of big gun firing absolutely reeks of number two now you get the idea to fire more than one at a time dude this is late enough to be pregnant he turned off the artificial gravity because when the designers of this prison installed the artificial gravity they decided to leave an ala carte option this asshole is only tossing the ore about in the open because the audience somehow need didn't know that he kept it with him despite the information that it is no longer in the bag how does this guy not know there's a prison break going on as soon as a group pulled that battery alarms went off everywhere and I know he's looking at some screens none of those told him anything Drax Potts quill flying around the ship before he's actually even flown around the ship I see the mask but why are his hands able to just fly free and open space without you know serious mortal injury can the space air not go up his sleeve and get it pretty much his whole body except his face yo Rick what do you do what Peter grill is the Sawyer of this movie he's hunky good in a fight and makes up nicknames for everyone otherwise not much substance if he calls someone frickles I'm out of here ya find a black light please look like a Jackson Pollock painting best line in the entire movie is also the most unbelievable we saw him get abducted as a little punk kid a kid at an age where even if somehow Jackson Pollock had been heard that damn sure hadn't been remembered enough to make a semi accurate semen related reference like this it gets to the point where there are so many characters in one movie you just want to crawl into a little ball in the theater until a sixteen year old uh sure squirts you out you know what good I'll take a sin off for group being awesome I'm not made of stone just negotiation tactic or a screenwriters tactic so we can get some backstory on you too I know pretty coincidental right mom dies and he's abducted by aliens on the same day the same thing our well way to tell the bar at the mining colony staffed only by outlaws what a ridiculous sum of money you're all about to come into sweet move then use this civilizations like wheat I bet when we finally see some one wielding these against our heroes be it in this movie or a future sequel or an Avengers film the stones Wheatfield genocide power won't be used I just kind of have a feeling just a reminder this is the explosion quill and Gamora survived by hiding behind a desk nearly every single antagonist showed up at the same time do you know that from here if you're in that clairvoyant than you've been holding out babe the stone is in the furthest pod so your ships have scanners that can detect the stone but only at super close proximity I'm trying to figure out we've been spending so much time looking for it why doesn't Ronan just go ahead and murder this guy did he grow up conscience we interrupt this slightly better serenity ripoff to bring you a Star Wars chase because why the hell not all right we got bits and pieces of every other space movie in this thing not if you don't do it already Gamora is apparently resistant to explosions that exhibit total destruction that's twice in like six minutes you also won't remember killing him if you let yellow liquid decide this how long does it take a human to die that's ju...
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