Everything Wrong With Justice League In 24 Minutes Or Less

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    Jesus Christ in addition to a full 46 seconds of logos DC is now turning to a marvel style showpiece that checks all their characters and fat were bad enough they have the balls to include in Green Lantern also DC Comics listen they'll be a few times that I'm gonna compare this to a much better Marvel movie so strap in ready okay discount spider-man homecoming opening oh man I used to say that hope is like a car keys easy to lose let's review the s on Superman's uniform it's not a mess but it's a symbol that stands for hope and much like your car keys hope is usually close by except when Superman is saving someone in France while you're in the middle of the woods trying to start your Jeep Wrangler to get away from rednecks the axe wielding redneck then your car keys are not usually close by gave them to Steve's aunt who was thrown into the s-shape Hope River near Kent Falls so I think I understand your simile huh I've never seen a production studio named as a direct warning of a movie before zack snyder awesomely depicts the news that Superman is dead by showing us a newspaper that pigeons are pumping on our Lee which is about as much respect as I have for the nonsense ending of Batman V Superman oh cool someone's committing a blatant crime and Gotham City I love it when they play the hits I hope they do Bruce's parents died after this one brings the house down I'm positive Batman had scoped out this building and found that no one was behind this window that he's goading the thug into shooting up safety first that bats you know what I love best about the Batman action of the previous films the copious use of slow motion a man jumps off a building assuming that when he tackles a parademon in midair it will be able to take on the new weight and keep flying also after all this Batman ends up on top of the same building how did that happen what the hell no well Jeremy you're supposed to be in character when you say this line good it's time then well it's really only time for Batman and Wonder Woman but you wanted to go ahead and challenge the Avengers franchise even though there are no solo movies for the other three yet look I know the whole world loves Superman and all but hanging a banner on no trade on not only is there no fucking way that would happen look how the execution is also these banners are hanging on honor of Superman's death I'm cynical enough to think it's DC advertising for the next Superman movie this is absolutely nothing scene shown in the opening credits illustrates that when you enjoy putting slow motion in your movies too much you wrap it of any impact it can have the idea that this asshole kicking a fruit cart scene is on some slow-motion level of drama is goddamn infuriating antal arias somehow joss whedon found future footage of himself in 2026 and included it in this movie what an extremely politely British way to die I know this movies gotten a lot of flack for upskirting honestly I think the amount of up shooting is overlooked look all I'm saying is Wonder Woman is shot completely different in this movie than when a woman was at the helm and no I am NOT above perviness but this movie isn't red Shoe Diaries Wonder Woman of desire an unproduced script I wrote in 1995 under the pseudonym Johnny spokes this is a movie where Wonder Woman is an equal super hero to all the men and it's guaranteed we won't be seeing any dudes filmed in a similar manner back to the dark ages and the safety of holy Fair King what if dude knows for sure they're gonna blow stuff why even use a timer isn't a timer for motherfuckers who want to escape okay Wonder Woman you can stop posing and defeat evil now one Wonder Woman the following scene is ruined by no less than ten cuts back and forth between Wonder Woman doing her acrobatics and Roose Bolton shooting at her not to mention how she manages to block bullets while she's turned the other way and since one can Wonder Woman do flash stuff anyway meanwhile a different ridiculously expensive set also Bruce rides in on a horse walk some distance to a cliff and I guess he ends up rappelling down this thing to a town where people know Aquaman but this is Bruce Wayne the idea that he couldn't find this place through the air or by some special glacier busting bat ship to land closer to it is ludicrous hey Aquaman here you can talk to fish I can't wait to see how Aquaman sea powers somehow factor into beating an army of flying para demons from space that probably gets sick when they go near water anyway I don't mind the ocean guys how about if they boil just like a bat you're out of your mind Bruce Wayne I think having three separate discussions here that have nothing to do with one another is there a reason that this version of Alfred dresses like he ordered everything from the eddie bauer catalog i mean cargo pants seriously on this is the days where mom's biggest concerns were exploding windup penguins wait are they saying this movie is in the same timeline as Batman Returns because that raises a lot of questions hurry it up will ya haha get it because he's the flash and this guy doesn't know he's the flash but seriously what is it about superheroes where they end up running into the biggest assholes on earth and they aren't even looking for them you can have a life all these characters so little time whatever is coming that requires such a team apparently can be beaten easily with all this backstory to cover and they haven't even tried to resurrect Superman or fight him yet essentially they let the comic book fans fill in the gaps for caring about these characters lazily introducing them and dropping them off at a movie theater while their parents shopped at the mall didn't think you were ready for them to know what for them to see the monster you are not a monster it's weird that you thought I meant me not really the logical discussion you were having about you and what others might feel when they see you definitely made it sound like you we're talking about being a monster oh cool the most curious I mean themed spark idea I mean simple skini can be thumbing nut I couldn't I just named this Amazon Ireland yeah man if that box opens we're gonna shoot the god of it with arrows also a warm welcome to Steppenwolf the main baddie that you will forget as soon as this movie is over I honestly didn't think the CGI bodies could get any worse than doomsday especially ones that are essentially humanoid but DC once again finds away a bunch of parademons come through a portal then they start shooting up the place and a whole bunch of whatever occurs I'd almost rather the director put up an old-time You silent film intertidal up on screen that says BAM kazooie the Amazons get boomed and I then watch a dreary action piece like this take place also I watched this action scene frame by frame just to get a sense of what this film thinks it's showing us and I have ultimately decided that nobody who made this film really knows a to seeing the mother box get lassoed away makes me wonder why Steppenwolf didn't just grab it and run you landed right next to it he has a nifty portal why all the trouble fighting the Amazons keep it moving what the hell is this plan give the all-important life box to some character we've never met then tell her to ride really fast that way is this really the only contingency plan they had for this box for the last several thousands of years oh no the old spark I mean that does Iraq I mean the rabbit's foot I mean mother box is out in the open so wait does an arrow have the load-bearing capability to pull something as heavy as the mother box as it flies through the air also box also I guess this is actually a clever plan but what the are these ladies doing all the way up there they know they don't have the box when they could have actually been helpful in the fight back by Steppenwolf did they seriously expect these arrow shenanigans to work or are we just going for a cool shot with no thought behind rather where all these Amazons while Steppenwolf was trying to take the box if he even had half these soldiers standing outside while Steppenwolf tried to chase after the relay racers they could have ended this does this movie explain how Steppenwolf can use the Bifrost at any time or place that he wants I mean I'm sure there's a comic explanation in New Gods number one from 1970 but if I'm gonna look that men won't know what it means men won't she will damn it Queen this is no time to be playing the pronoun game this janitors wife had some strong words for the aliens she says stole her man what's with the glib attitude man everyone in the world knows aliens exist now from Superman doomsday is on so why treat this woman like she's crazy an alien that only comes down to probe some random dude is the least of your worries also movie has time for this and yeah I know the story is about the janitor Cyberdyne I mean STAR Labs but the fact that they decided to update us in tabloid fashion with his foul mouth wife makes his disappearance mean even less to me you know the banks jump like a cougar if you missed by a dime jump like a cougar if you miss by a dime well I'll see if she'll take your calls so it's a shame that's racist anyway sad card coming back here at all I can imagine after arrival and nocturnal animals this must have seemed like amateur hour he said you could smell a story further away than he could hear speaking of hearing they're having a pretty casual conversation about Lois's relationship with Superman here even though Martha's known as Clark Kent's mom so anyone that's half eavesdropping which should be pretty common in the newsroom should have had the biggest scoop in years right about now it was...
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