Well, this is a movie that happened. We counted the sins and, honestly, didn't have a lot of fun doing so.
Next week: survival sins.
Remember, no movie is without sin! Which movie's sins should we expose next?!
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33 seconds of logo once upon a time a long time ago movie rehashes the preface to the first movie it was some narrow reading near read Hashem a king and the Queen had a beautiful daughter named Fiona god damn this is the fourth movie in this franchise do you really think we need a refresher why does this animation seem so sucky this feels like a cutscene from civilization 3 which came out 9 years before this movie but to put our daughter's life in the hands of this that's conversation that should have already happened while riding in the carriage and most certainly before they got in the carriage takes place just before they make their deal oh please time please sorry no put an end to our daughter's curse jesus what a be king the movie acts like he's a good father because he's so distraught his daughter is stuck living in a castle as a prisoner to some dragon but I see a a king who just sold out all the people in the entire kingdom just to hug his kid again dick your highness the princess she's been saved so wait while the stuff in the first shrek movie was happening the king and queen went to some faraway place to sign away their kingdom to get Fiona back Shrek save Fiona and I guess someone from farquaad's place ran to tell the king and queen don't need to find out they had left if I suppose the king of queens journey to Rumple the scamp to sign away the kingdom was well-known because the messenger was able to track them down to their exact spot and tell them just in time that fiona was safe that's funny at all but did Rumple walk into a bookstore just to read about some he already knew heaven crumples stinky pants they should called this movie Shrek for never laughter why would there have been a need to nail an entirely different block on this sign with an S written on it it was plenty of room to draw on us on the Sun happily ever after close enough roll the credits get me a tee time 30 minutes from now and tell my wife to start heating a hot tub up look a shooting star Fiona sees the shooting star before it actually shows up in the frame DreamWorks P but it's actually a fish being squeezed by the baby that's the joke which is weird because babies actually do pee on their parents while changing diapers and fish do not have lots of water in the bellies that can be squeezed out and this might be the laziest Trek movie since Trek the scene is a repeat of the last one to show you the tricks days or settling into a familiar routine but what I'm worried about is a character like Puss in Boots which seems to have no life other than hanging with shrek and here's the third one this isn't Groundhog Day edge of tomorrow happy death day or Russian doll this is just beating you with a dead track two of these three babies are drinking out of squashes or gourds which do not have enough moisture to drink from I'm giving that third baby with the red pumpkin thing a pass but I'm not happy about it so he's older now and misses being younger and this is a midlife crisis story crammed into the Shrek universe that's not fun it's boring just let me watch city slickers again why does this exist looks like you forgot the candles shrek forever after it puts us through this anxiety-inducing birthday party where everything is going wrong and there's this little bastard yeah it's like though where's the baby dude from Trek the Third's almost like nobody trusted the last four minutes of the movie to tell us the trek was in a rut and they went over the top aggravating if you're laughing at this scene you're part of the problem I actually don't know what the problem is but I'll get back to you are there any cupcakes pink pigs I feel like this would have have to have happened on so many previous occasions that should be predictable and preventable but whatever the fourths wreck movie's got a movie I wouldn't expect you to understand it's not like you're a real ogre that's August you have three beautiful children he doesn't mean was this asshat just scrounging for garbage outside the Shrek household at the perfect time did he have any reason to be here or is this a giant ass coincidence how did Rumple set this up before Shrek got here he was hiding behind these barrels when Shrek started taking his anger walk and it would have required him running to his carriage getting a goose to carry at max speed to this spot pulling off a wheel and making it look like he was stuck underneath with very little time and even if that's possible how did he know this is how far Shrek would Salk give me a ride I could do after all you've done for me Shrek falls for this because Shrek is super selfish right now for movies into being the hero the safes today movie makes a joke about Shrek being lured in with a drink and then getting drunk before he realizes it been shrek is smarter than that he's also physically too large to get drunk on six eyeball TVs this ogre for a day contract uses English for the title and then all gibberish and the contracts main bye it'll be just the good old days when you're swamped with your CASL what rumble is offering is basically a peace and quiet for a day and I feel like Shrek could accomplish this by making a deal with Fiona like married couples do but in movie world if you have one argument there's absolutely no recourse you either have to endure annoying every day or you have to sign a shady magical contract from a guy you met in a forest I think I fell on my keys first off what keys asshole suck it up didn't we retire that joke in the 90s I think we retired that joke in the 90s I guess this means the bribe was as big as Shrek so everybody at the service was fooled and the hidden reason for shrek somehow taking the bride's place is that he ate her right picnic dick dick dick dick dick being with cats for no reason is a legit metric for detecting serial killer behavior just FYI howdy de Trek get in his cart and put watermelons all over himself and sure it's a cartoon but I feel like trick wouldn't go this far just to scare one asshole Shrek goes all x-games Shrek's games Jesus Christ how many wanted posters do you have to put up in one section of forest this is Shrek it's a wonderful life it's weird to me that the protagonists of these movies think anything is the same after being provided proof that it's not like in the first 10-15 minutes don't you think you'd realize that the world is not the same anymore but there's no way fiona is in this tree stone and that somehow Mary never found a suitor despite looking like Donna Reed yeah I guess George Bailey was right to question that but all the other stuff yeah the director said let's make that witch throw a grenade a little suck an apple it'll make her look like even more of an asshole so the deal with Rumple changed history and no one remembers how it used to be but shrek accidentally is himself into donkey right away I've never seen you before in my life different yet how is it that there are other ogres some other ogres been hiding out during the last three Shrek movies yeah we just be crazy Thanos you talk today I was born yes Shrek signed away the day he was born but what happened with his mother or after the gestation period she just forget she was pregnant or does this world still operate under the stork Ealing of course we know it doesn't because fiona was pregnant in the last movie as the witches chased Shrek through this giant looking building I have to wonder if I can scoop my angry with having an angry week also angry wig makes you a discount syndrome you need to calm down Taylor Swift fan and that worked I've never seen Oh oh good right why did you come back though you were terrified and took off running I was tricked into signing something I shouldn't have Taylor Swift donkey I've read the fine print and there's nothing about an exit clause in here also known as the exit clause mocking up it's insane that a sneaky magical contract created a totally someone requires an exit clause also just imagine what happens if Rumple tells his witches to leave Shrek alone and never take him back to the castle Shrek never figures anything out and simply ceases to exist at the end of a 24-hour period in many movies the villains need for revenge is a crutch for all the stupid things they do to the hero instead of just killing them in this movie Shrek didn't even know who Rumple was when he ruined his plans they have no real history let me show you how it's done I didn't spend all that time ramming witches without picking up a few tricks this is the reason given for how donkey knows that rumple's contracts have hidden messages in them that being around the witches somehow gave him that information if the witches regularly wrote and delivered contracts for Rumple that might make sense but they clearly do according to fairy tale law if not fully satisfied true love's kiss will render this contract no and void if there's a fairytale law wouldn't it also required a contract to contain plain language that wouldn't require a puzzle right out of The Da Vinci Code to read also remember Pinocchio Rumple gave him a real boy contract with the same secret letters written on it so if he had signed it would he have to find true love's kiss to also also here's the contract Rex on that run enough big letters to spell out true love's kiss and the letters this thing does use are completely different in some instances and there's nothing on the back even movie suggests the field it was in here a super long time because Shrek didn't save her but in Shrek 2 prince charming was on his way to save her only to find out she's already been rescued so shouldn't Hina found her at least show us the charred remains of Ch...