Oops I'm in New York

Joana Ceddia
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    Why I am 2 breaths away from shaving my head: an essay

    Intro: I am going to shave my head because I hate my hair, my hair sucks, and I am exasperated with my hair
    Point 1: I hate my hair
    Point 2: My hair sucks
    Point 3: I am exasperated with my hair
    Conclusion: Therefore I want a bald head

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    With love,

    Jashton Cutcher


    Published


    Your eyes do not deceive you. It is in fact 2:47 in the morning. So with that being said, good afternoon, my guy. How are we coping? How are we doing at this ungodly hour? I'm munching on my avocado tortilla because I refuse to start my day any other way. Even if that day starts at 2:30 in the morning and today Today we're doing something quite exciting. If you've been under a rock for the past like two months, you would have missed the exciting news, that I was actually nominated for a shorty award! That gives me an excuse to go to New York in the middle of May. So my parents and I, we're picking up ship, and we're flying to New York right now and coming back Monday morning. It's gonna be a ride. It's gonna be a riot. You know? We're just gonna have so much fun- we're gonna make a mess and then we're gonna leave like nothing happened. So, more details will come in a few minutes, and I'll see you guys at the airport, cause we have to leave like right now like, I'm literally holding my parents up. Okay, we're going, I'm late, AAA- and off to New York, we were headed! My bags were packed, and my spirits were high. I spent too long the night before packing my bags, I mean this is no rudimentary excursion and this over-packer was not taking things lightly. Anyways, I went downstairs to find my parents who were already prepared to undertake this massive adventure? Yes, both my parents were coming with me to New York. At this hour, Mother Nature was taking the fattest piss she has ever taken. It was mONsooninG out there. ( BiG wOrD ) So we drove cautiously, but we didn't let the rain slow us down either, after all, it's just water. and we had a plane to catch by the basketballs. Our flight was taking off at 7:00 A.M, so we had to be at the airport at least three hours before so that we had plenty of time to finish all of our shEnAniGanS. Checking in, scanning our bags, so that no one was smuggling in anthrax, talking to the angry border official who intimidates the hell out of me, It's all part of the process. At this point I would like to bring your attention to my sandals. I bought these Jesus sandals about two weeks ago because they wanted something less dinky than sports sandals, but not as harsh as military boots. They're so ugly, and I loVE them. Anyways, on we drove. The rain was pouring down on us with the same ferocity as James Charles' subscriber count was dropping. THAT'S IT, THAT'S THE ONLY JOKE I'LL MAKE! (Lies) Shoutout to the windshield wipers for doing their thing, you're a real one and I respect you. It was around 4 a.m. when we arrived at the airport parking lot. You see we were too lazy to get a taxi So we decided to drive my mom's tired little 2008 Corolla to the sketchy parking lot where you can leave your car while you're traveling abroad It's kind of like kindergarten for your vehicle about 20 minutes. Later We arrived at the airport now at this ungodly Hour, the airport was barren; only the insane people like us who would ever book a flight at 7:00 a.m were scattered around the massive building. We then checked in with our passports to make sure we weren't James Charles pretending to be Tati's best friend. -I'm sorry It just keeps on coming and I can't stop it- and x-rayed our bags to make sure there were no broken bones Somewhere along the way some machines took our photos. For what? I don't know, maybe to clone us. We can never be sure about that one. Wake up, sheeple. It was at this point that we were done with all the bureaucratic business of traveling abroad. It was time for the waiting game. For one hour We would have to entertain ourselves with the monotonies of modern life We'd be sitting duck, but sitting ducks of the highest degree Can you notice how I'm literally saying everything and nothing at the same time? honestly, it takes skill to spoo this much nonsense into your faces, but then again You're all just robots whom I payed to subscribe to my channel. So it doesn't matter. So it's 5:20 right now It's starting to hit me I think I'm gonna sleep on the plane, but I also have homework so I'm gonna have to juggle everything there My parents just left to go and get water. So I'm alone at the moment I'm looking after the bags if anyone wants to come and attack me, I will hit you very hard. Do YoU hEaR mE? I will hit you very very hard. Anyways, that's all that's going on right now I'm gonna have to pee soon because my bladder is like this close to exploding I'll see you guys in a bit. My parents returned from their little expedition with their water bottles full We still had 45 minutes before we hopped on the plane I was doing some homework, chemistry to be specific, at 5:45 in the morning It felt like everything went in one ear and out the other but nevertheless it was time to board the plane sitting in my seat I was suddenly presented with the prospect of breakfast and I was excited You know this flight might just be one hour long But I'm expecting a full course meal and there better be one avocado at least twice. You know what I'm hungry, not really It's a fre sh a vaca do. Flash-forward a whole like seven minutes Nothing had really happened except for the fact that the whole two hours of sleep the night before Business really slapped me in the face and called me dumb in three different languages. I was violently awoken at 6:51 a.m With the news that her plane was speeding down the runway at lightning speed My heart rate always increases tenfold when this happens I hate it my lungs compress into the seat behind me and my booty hole jumps into my stomach We were flying we were in the clouds the pressure and the airplane dropped like James Charles's sub count I need to stop. And the sound in my ears had gotten all muffled. The plus was that the sun came out at around 7 A.M. And was eager to blind me. Is this what the insta baddies call Golden Hour? What if we call it something more appropriate like burn your retina hour? It was 7:51 in the morning when the pilot decided that he was tired of those stupid little clouds and decided to land the plane. We had arrived in New York. The hour-long flight we had endured was finally over I rate it a four point five point six squids out of five. Why? Because like I said before there was no full course meal. I expected to be fed and no it's not a me problem, you insolent cow. At 8:52 in the morning we were stranded. AirCanada had left us to fend for ourselves. Okay, that's a bit dramatic- we were just busy waiting for a taxi to come and rescue us from the airport. It was a beautiful rainy day. I love rainy days. Don't you? I often find the sun too pretentious- like, we get it, you fuse hydrogen into helium, BIG DEAL. You'll burn out in a couple million years anyways. Into the heart of New York we were headed. We were going straight into the lion's den or the shark tank. I was fully expecting Kevin, O'Leary to just jump out from around a corner and demand 5% royalties on the air I breathe. Back to the story, we decided to walk to the hotel to truly take in this magnificent city. We walked and walked, and walked, eventually arriving at the hotel. Our room was like every other vanilla hotel room like seriously, Hampton. Can we switch things up a bit? What if we had a beanbag chair? I mean that speaks miles of class. A fat boy. Yes, that's what it's actually called. I used to have one of those, actually, it started to smell bad, unfortunately, so we had to burn it in the furnace. The bathroom was pretty cool though. It has been a full ten hours of madness since I last spoke to you. Now- I wasn't able to film because so many things were happening and I just wasn't able to keep up, so I'm just gonna give you a quick rundown of everything that happened and insert some clips that I was miraculously able to film. So strap in, because this story is quite the roller coaster. So after we arrived at the hotel, we were extremely hungry. We ate breakfast at like 3 a.m. in the morning. so needless to say we were- I don't even need to read it out, you can say it yourself. So we went to this place that my mom found in one of her deep dives on Google It was called the Little eatly instead of Italy. You see, you know, what they did there- the restaurant itself- it's not really a restaurant. It's like half of a food market and the other half is like a restaurant. The restaurant is like split into five parts, for instance, like one part was dedicated for pizza, the other one was sushi, taco, fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini, you get the point. But both me and my father found this design quite convoluted, because you couldn't go between restaurants, if that made sense. So if you committed to one of them, you were locked in for life. I was in the mood for pizza, chicken and pasta all at once. So I ordered a panini. It was called the polpettone, definitely butchered that but anyways, it was $14 so just you know, just a little bit overpriced and it tasted good I also don't want to know how many calories were in that thing because the amount of olive oil that she splashed on it- it was like a waterfall. So after we were done with our feast. We wanted to go see the Statue of Liberty. And after getting lost on the subway a good ten times, we finally found our wits and arrived. Now- it was extremely foggy. So, not gonna lie, It was pretty underwhelming. After that, my parents wanted to go shopping. So I followed them around for a bit. My feet are dead. Look at this foot shot. There's blisters on both of my ankles. When we entered into Patagonia I had the other half of my panini because when I ate it at lunch I was only able to eat half because it was really thick and filling so I ate the other half there, now I...
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