thank you for your constant love. you are some of the most amazing people i have ever encountered. i adore u all.
okay this video you know, i'm a little, i'm on edge okay, i'm a little bit on edge because I've kinda been putting this off i don't know. It's not like anything i've ever made before I'm like nervous but i really want to tell you guys more about what's going on in my life, because there's a certain part of my life that i feel like I'm kind of hiding, from you guys. And, this isn't fucking clickbait. This isn't like some sort of like let me just get into it, i guess. so, this is kind of going to be a combination of the story of why I left school, combined with why i started my youtube channel. and it all kind of ties in together, and it's kind of just my story. I don't know. like, not my story of my whole life, this isn't like a draw my life here's kinda...what happened i guess let's start out with why i started my youtube channel So, i'm a junior in high school, right now. I'm 16. Junior in high school. blah blah blah okay, flash backwards to sophomore year. the end of the year, second semester. to put it in simple terms i was just having a shitty time like ass i maybe showed up to school 3 times a week i couldn't fucking do it. like i would just sit in class and i would just cry like i don't even know why. it wasn't my school's fault. it wasn't anyone's fault i just didn't like the environment i totally had too much on my plate. at this point i wasn't even doing youtube yet, mind you this was when i was literally just in school like that was my only like kind of thing that i was doing in my life towards the end of the year, I i had became severely depressed i couldn't go to school. I couldn't hang out with my friends i had completely cut off all my friends i didn't hang out on the weekends i didn't do anything. And it sucked. i mean it really fucking sucked. and of course, i'm pretty sure everyone's probably felt something close to it. whether it's in a very small or a very large kind of way second semester of sophomore year was probably one of the worst times i've had i didn't even come to the last day of school the last day of school was June first the day before that was May 30th right? i think. yeah. on May 30th i took my driver's test i failed. i was fucking so sad because to me getting my license was like this will give me a way to escape, ya know if i'm having a hard day if i'm feeling fucking depressed as hell and i just like want to have some time to myself if i just wanna like go and get food, by myself if i just want to like spend time by myself i felt like having my license was something that could give me that and so i was kinda connecting getting my drivers license with like having an escape from what i was going through so when i failed my test my depression immediately got worse I mean it was so bad like I literally couldn't get out of my bed thus I didn't go to school the last day, which was the last day of school so i was really upset and i ended up talking to my dad for like i don't know two and a half hours or something just about, like, what am i gonna do? like, i need something that can, like, help me escape from what i'm going through thus, i started my youtube channel. First video I posted was, like, a lookbook, or something. right. May 30th was such a f***king sh*ty day for me I was like, I need to like get my head out of this immediately I want to just like start a YouTube channel. I don't know why. I just wanted to do that. So then, the next day, I went to San Francisco with my dad He filmed the video for me next day I post it, it was up and all this began over the summer I was posting almost everyday. for a while there I was just like vlogging all my vacation I mean I was hardcore on that youtube grind like you best believe I loved it it was so great fully pulled me out of my depression 100 percent in the beginning there I didn't even care who how many people like saw my video I didn't care about my views I didn't care about my subscribers I didn't, like, not that I didn't care about my subcribers But I didn't care about the number of subscribers I had I was just excited to be doing something new with my life like I was just excited to be starting a new journey with my life, I guess it kinda gave me this feeling of hope that depression wasn't ruling my life I had something else that was making me happy, and that was YouTube and it still, to this day continues to do that for me and I'm eternally grateful, if that's even the right word to use fast-forward to the end of summer I kinda rekindled my friendships with some of friends and, I was kinda back to normal i wasn't depressed anymore i was almost fully outta that i wasn't.. i was really emotionally stable like, i could have a shitty ass day and like at the end of the day I would still be smiling, ya know it was good, i was really stable start school, junior year and i've always been somebody who is super into school if you will i really work hard at school i really put a lot of effort into school it's something that i've always prioritised as my number one thing that was like what i thought my future was i thought that my future was gonna like be determined by what my grades were etc. and that's why i put so much effort into it but for me, during this year, i started out and I, of course, i was taking a lot of AP's and I was taking a lot of honours and it was... it was a lot! and I quickly fell back into a very, very depressed state and it was very hard for me to film videos it was very hard for me to edit videos I remember there were multiple nights where I pulled all-nighters trying to be able to do youtube and school because for me youtube was what kept me... sane.. in a way so it was like for me, i would rather not sleep and get a video up because getting that video up is the only thing that gives me an ounce of happiness while being at school literally made me wanna die i started falling back into my old habits, i wasn't showing up to school I was late, like everyday sometimes i'd pull up to school, i'd be sitting in the car, and i'd be fucking balling my eyes out and I just couldn't go in, and I'd have to drive home I don't know exactly what it is about school and what about it made me so.. depressed! but... it was so bad! i would meet with my counsellor weekly, my school counsellor trying to find out a way that I could.. adjust my schedule trying to find a way that I could f- ya know trying to make my work load less impossible, and... it just was impossible. i could not cope with being at school it just got to the point where... it was simple! one morning I literally woke up and I was like 'I will never go to that school again' and I told my parents